Well it's not like it's Picnic Weather

I didn't intend to spend any more time on the Extreme Chaos Project this Memorial Day weekend; there's really no sense of urgency other than my own desire to have a bathroom worthy of using.

But after Martin beheaded the Kohler pedestal sink, I figured, what the hell?

To be clear, we Meant to behead the sink. Just perhaps not this soon, as I don't really have time right now to indulge in lengthy tile-a-thons.

And what do we call this bathroom without the sink? It was clear it was a half bath without the shower. Is it still a half bath without the sink?

The Tiling Resumes.....

As I mentioned Many Moons ago, I was not going to resume tiling until I had sucessfully managed to create a Baked Good in the privacy of my own kitchen. And I'm pleased to report success with Gluten Free Pantry's Yankee Corn Bread mix, made by Blatantly Disregarding the directions, and instead mixing it with 1/4 cup beet sugar, 1 tbsp honey, 6 tbsp spectrum organic shortening, 7/8 cup rice milk, and Ener-G egg replacer for one egg. I even managed to create something like honey butter using spectrum organic vegetable shortening, imitation butter flavor, a little salt, and of course honey.

Yummy. Stomach full, tiling may continue.

When last we left the Extreme Chaos Project, I had managed to work my way out of the tub enclosure and resume Hygiene Activities (Insert Thanks Here).

In the process, I left highly visible, unsightly walls, as seen below.

After a little quality time with my tile saw and thinset, view the progress:

Watching Grass Grow

My Sewer Pit of Despair has taken on an appropriate shade of green, thanks not to me and my Black Thumb of Gardening Death, but to my 9-year old neighbor who took charge of the watering while I slaved away in Los Angeles for a week.

And look what I found lurking in a sea of weeds in my backyard! Did you have ANY idea that asparagus just sprouts from the ground like this? I didn't!

I think I'll eat it.

Suffering from the Delusion that I have Gardening Skills

"You need to do something about your dandelions!" My 90 year old neighbor shouted from her doorway, outfitted as she usually is in her bathrobe to protect her from the elements while taking her smoke break. You think?

Well in all fairness (to me), this isn't actually a picture of the lawn, which is quite impressive if she can see at the age of 90, but my vegetable garden, which she can't see at any age without venturing onto my property.

And if we define "vegetables" loosely, as in "things you can put in a salad", you might say my garden is doing rather well.

It's about to take a turn for the worse.

I am planting herbs & vegetables.

I've got seeds, seeds, seeds. Sweet Basil, Dark Opal Purple Basil, Chives, Cilantro, Fennel, Tricolor Garden Beans (yellow,green AND purple), purple carrots, carrot-colored carrots, beets, swiss chard, russian red kale, broccoli, and gourmet greens. I have plants - artichokes, onions, leeks, yellow squash, eggplant, grape and cherry tomatoes. I don't even like tomatoes.

At the end of a rather backbreaking weekend of labor (my own), I have made progress.

I will also be renewing my acquaintance with Mr Chiropractor first thing Monday morning.

Stopping for Potty Breaks

The other reason for the deplorable dearth of blog entries in April is that we here at Ballardia took another Field Trip. This time to the Costa del Sol. And no, I'm not going to outline the fabulous Moorish architecture, bore you with our vacation photos, or review the cities Granada, Sevilla, Cordoba, Cadiz, Ronda, and Gibraltar for your future reference or petty jealousy.

No. Instead, I'm going to highlight the Quality of the Rest Stops.

I am, after all, in the middle of a bathroom project.

I must give the South of Spain great marks for its "aseos", which we determined pretty early on by the funny looks we got that one does not say "banos" there. Not sure why.

We've done a lot of European travel. Enough to know that you should always carry the purse pack of Kleenex for more than just sinus problems. Enouth to realize that developing strong thigh muscles is an important pre-trip preparation. It's pretty common to see toilets with no seat.

Occasionally, one might even get stuck with the dreaded squat toilet. Before you ask, this picture was NOT taken from the Men's room.

But the south of Spain.....public restrooms almost all had toilet seats AND toilet paper, and while we encountered a few where the hand dryers didn't work or the soap wasn't present, the overall quality was on par with domestic travel. Three cheers for peeing in Spain.

Now.....let's talk about the UK.

Great Britain is irrationally fond of the two-handed faucet - you know, the one where the Brits put the stopper in the sink, and run both faucets until they get a bowl of water in the appropriate temperature. This is also the one which gives American visitors burned left hands as a vacation souvenir.

This little gem is from Heathrow. There is no stopper, and this is the Airport, where unknown people have Spit and perhaps Peed in that sink so we really don't want the stopper solution anyway. So rather than post the warning sign, perhaps they could dial down the temperature on the hot?

The Sewer Pit of Despair

In keeping with my new Food-centric Way of Life, my Garden plans have expanded from "do nothing" to "plant vegetables". Of course, either plan is likely to have the same outcome, as my gardening abilities rank right up there with President Bush's ability to manage this country.

Hope Springs Eternal, and maybe a seed or two will do likewise.

But before I get to start in on committing Planticide, it's high time I addressed the Fallout from last year's Side Sewer Adventure.

When we left off our Exciting Tale, our heroine had successfully returned to the land of a working sewer line, when the unfortunate discovery was made that the neighbor's sewer line was leaking, and water (?) was accumulating in the lowest elevation Sewer Pit.

After some consulting between the sewer contractor and the inspector, they determined that there was really nothing they could do if the neighbor didn't want to fix the line.

Flash forward several months, and the Sewer Pit sank several inches to become an unsighly blight on my front median. I dithered about what to do. I festered with annoyance at the neighbor. I finally called Seattle DPD.

The friendly person in the 'sewers' section first wanted to transfer me to the rat-on-my-neighbor hotline.

"Let's assume for a minute that I don't want to report my 90 year old neighbor with a broken hip," I said. "What else can I do?"

I could practically see Mr. DPD Employee scratch his head. "Well," he said, "4 inches really isn't all that much."

Let's pause to let that one sink in.

"It's probably just loose dirt getting washed away, so it should be fine if you fill it in and plant grass."

I assume he means the lawn type.

So that's my little project. Topsoil, grass seed, and a little fertilizer later, I'm ready to watch the grass grow.

When will we return to our regularly scheduled programming?

What happened to the Bathroom Momentum? I hear you ask. No doubt you realize that Ballardia progress, once fast & furious actually progressing, has Stopped.

Well, for starters, I do have a Day Job, with business trips seemingly calculated to cause the maximum amount of chaos, and for that I thank you, American Airlines, for leaving me Stranded at LAX overnight without luggage because you sent it off to Terminal 3 rather than putting it in Bag Claim where the rep said it would be, and after my complaints that an Airline employee should retrieve said bag and deliver it to my hotel, your supervisor could only offer me a complementary Men-centric toiletry kit containing Men-scented deodorant, shave cream, razor, toothbrush & paste, and a comb only suitable for short, straight man-hair. Rant to American - how about putting something useful in there, like a Tampon?

End rant. Back to project.

Now that I've finished the tub enclosure and am able to indulge in Cleanliness in the privacy of my own home with my Woman-centric personal toiletries (and tampons), the Urgency of the tile job has faded.

And in my copious free time, in which I normally spend fixing Ballardia, I now have a new hobby. Feeding myself.

Having had a plethora of rather odd symptoms for ages, which I won't outline here in graphic detail (sharing 'tampons' was quite enough information for one blog entry), I finally decided to Do Something. And "Something" started with doctor visits with rather unhelpful advice of taking More Drugs.

I don't like taking meds for the simple reason that I want my liver to focus on more important things, such as processing my alcohol consumption. So I was left searching for Another Answer, which came in the form of food allergy testing.

The food allergy testing required a simple blood test, plus another 3 day Unspeakable Test conducted in the Privacy of my Bathroom Project, which I will also not outline in graphic detail. After waiting 3 weeks, the results came In.

May I have a drumroll, please.

The results showed that I am allergic to probably 50% of my caloric intake - all dairy, eggs, wheat, and sugar cane. Oh, and lest I think I could substitute in something else for these products - I'm allergic to soybeans, almonds, and bananas too. I don't consume these things anyway, but they would be handy Alternatives to things I ate in my Diet of Yore.

The simple act of going to the grocery store turned into an Adventure filled with Drama and Intrigue as I read the labels of Everything, hoping to find some miracle food that I could both eat, and would actually want to.

After a week or so of futile searching, I turned to Cooking, thinking perhaps I could make myself something that adheres to my new restrictions. I checked out stacks - STACKS - of library books on wheat free, dairy free, egg free, taste free cooking. Rather than try Risky Subtitution, I used recipes which conformed exactly to my requirements. I chose the recipes which specified 1/2 cup rice flour & 1/4 cup Tapioca starch & 1 tsp Xanthan gum, not simply "1 cup gluten-free flour". And I followed the recipes Exactly.

And this was the result. Imploded muffins with a dense, gelatinous mass at the bottom of the muffin cup. Brownies which Martin called Chocolate Brownie-like food product. Cornbread that went straight from the skillet to the garbage.

I always thought I was a reasonably good cook. I can bake, broil, grill, saute, sear, steam, pan-fry, poach, etc., really I can. Martin is the envy of all most some of his friends. But cooking without eggs, dairy or wheat? This appears to be as much of a stretch as getting American Airlines to keep their emergency repairs from interrupting my Travel Plans.

So when will the bathroom tiling resume?

After I've successfully made edible baked goods. Or when American retires their aging MD80s, whichever comes first.